In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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