Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
