Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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