in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
