some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
