I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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