don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
