Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
