Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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