I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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