Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
