I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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