Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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