Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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