I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
