i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
And then my night got REAL pukey
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
