I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
