When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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