I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
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I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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