I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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