so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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