I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
