Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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