Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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