this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I am one with the molecules
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
