He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
