as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
