I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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