Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
