The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
