You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
