so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
