we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
