The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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