I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
