Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
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you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
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He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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