im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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