I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
