so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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