Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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