So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How does it feel to date your dad?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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