ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
