she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
