Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dicks are not precious.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
