what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
