i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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