Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
