Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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