I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize