He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
