hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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