chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
