I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just had sex on a roof
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
