Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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