i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
