Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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