Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
