Your face is a jimmy john
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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